thanks twilight for making me look like an idiot.

so last night part one of breaking dawn debuted for tweens, teens, and disgruntled housewives alike. lines were formed, teams were chosen, and (spoiler alert) edward and bella finally did it.

so here’s my beef with the twilight movies…and let me first preface with the fact that i read the entire series (yes i enjoyed it. no it was not life-changing, nor better than harry potter or hunger games).

1) while i will admit that the movie quality continues to improve with each release, what is the deal with the cullen family? i mean have these make up people never actually seen the finished product? it looks like they doused the actors in baby powder and sent them on set. now i won’t even address the first movie, because less face it, it looked like a 7th grader’s art class project, but this late in the game people? and don’t tell me the technology doesn’t exist, because we are turning boys into friggin cgi wolves and we still can’t get the vamp make up right? i don’t buy it. but thousand of crazed fans sure as hell will. to which i ask ‘why?’

1a) specifically i am compelled to address the carlisle and rosalie cullen situation. has anyone seen a picture of nicki reed? she’s effing gorgeous, so one would be led to believe that when you turn her into an onscreen vampire that is supposed to be fatally beautiful, that she wouldn’t look like this: 

and i can only assume that peter facinelli’s onscreen prep goes a little something like this:

make up girl: “ok peter, you look great. let’s hit the set.”

peter: “uh, well, i’m looking a bit bronzed. what powder are you using?”

make up girl: “it’s called porcelain lilac. should i use a little more?”

peter: “well actually, i brought this bag of all-purpose flour, can you just dump this on my face instead?”

(end scene)

2) what the hell is taking so damn long? it’s only 4 books people. why is it taking 9 years to make into movies? summit entertainment really screwed the pooch here, because there’s a vast number of folks out there who just don’t care anymore. c’mon people, ride the wave! you could’ve had the movie rows filled for months if you would’ve pulled a harry potter and filmed a few at once. then again, harry potter does have the upper hand of being a better story, with better writing, and better actors…

3) i thought i got tired of bella in the books, but on-screen, ah geez. who has the attention span for that much blinking and stuttering. and the self-sacrificing guilt issues are even more annoying when played out next to a chalk-covered edward with the worst contacts in i’ve ever seen (honey-colored eyes is what we’re going for, not the non-prescription 2 pack you get while waiting to check out at charlotte russe). who knew that taylor lautner would be holding this whole thing together? not me. mad props to dakota fanning too. although her scenes make us realize how bad everyone else is. who’s up for a spin-off movie all about jane? do i smell an oscar nom?

4) last but not least, the marketing for this “saga” is so whack. am i going to see a cutting edge young-adult fiction adaptation, or read a cheesy romance novel?

           

so back to my original point, years later i still look like an idiot for briefly being emotionally invested in these movies. the excuse, “they’re only good if you’ve read the books!” can only go so far, and i don’t even buy that line anymore.

all that said, yes of course i’m gonna go see it (in a few weeks at a matinee show). i gotta see how they’re going to handle the pg-13 take on a vampire pregnancy….yikes.

photo sources: movie poster. book cover. rosalie.
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